"When people feel strongly about an issue, their feelings come first, and their reasons are invented on the fly, to throw at each other. When you refute a person’s argument, does she generally change her mind and agree with you? Of course not, because the argument you defeated was not the cause of her position; it was made up after the judgment was already made." - Jon Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis
Haidt's research has substantial implications for persuasion, evangelism, and why debates tend not to change anyone's minds or positions. People don't abandon their beliefs because they're persuaded by overwhelming facts and statistical analysis, but they may be moved by heart-warming stories or significant life experiences. They will never be interested in adopting your opinion unless they trust you and believe that you care for them or unless you involve their heart in making the decision. I'm not saying it's easy, merely that the easier methods are quite ineffective.
Far too often, people debate with each other merely to prove themselves right or for the sake of arguing. Very rarely do people debate or engage in discussion to gain a deeper understanding or to further develop their own positions. Humility is so noticeably absent from arguments. People don't expect to learn anything in a debate, but they do expect to change the other person. Who is this mysterious other person everyone thinks they're changing? The quality of discourse will continue to decline until humility becomes a dominant characteristic in such discussions and debates.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Don't Take No For An Answer
Most people stop at no. Maybe they're following social constructs; maybe they're trying to follow rules and not cause trouble; maybe they're embarrassed to keep asking.
As a toddler, when I just began to speak, I gave myself a nickname, "I do". I wanted to do everything, and I thought I could do it myself. Throughout my childhood, my mom regularly told me that "I could do whatever I set my mind to." In a way, it became more true because she constantly reinforced it in my mind. I'm very grateful to her for that.
The other day, I called Flight Hub, a travel agency which attempted to scam me. I booked a flight for work and then realized much later that one leg of the trip was booked for the wrong month and wrong day, mysteriously. So I called and talked with the customer service representative, who didn't know what to do, and just told me to pay the $250+ change fees. Then I spoke with the manager and discussed the situation with him. After blatantly refusing to accept his statements that there was nothing he would do for me since it was "my fault", I kept asking. And then suddenly he offered me a full and complete refund. Clearly he didn't mean what he said.
And a couple weeks ago, I requested a meeting with my building's management to discuss the roof hours. The hours were 11am-8:30pm, which is absurdly short, and I told them that the tenants would like them extended. They said the hours won't change. I replied that they didn't understand my request, which was for a meeting to talk about the hours. After the third email, they agreed to a meeting and shortly thereafter changed the hours to 10am-10pm. I've learned that no doesn't actually mean no.
I think of it this way: people don't want to bother giving you want you ask for. But they will if it's easier to give it to you than ignore you. If you think no means no, you will miss out on so many opportunities. They may respond well if you respectfully refuse to accept no as an answer.
There's a common principle in parenting that says parents must be perfectly consistent. If not, children will quickly recognize that their parents don't say what they mean. Sadly, most parents will change their answer if their kids put up a fuss or have a temper tantrum, and the kids learn that fussing can get them whatever they want. Then the parents wonder why their children are so demanding. While my parents were incredibly good at following this principle, I learned that society is not.
You'd be surprised what you can accomplish when the realm of possible envelopes what was formerly the realm of impossibility.
As a toddler, when I just began to speak, I gave myself a nickname, "I do". I wanted to do everything, and I thought I could do it myself. Throughout my childhood, my mom regularly told me that "I could do whatever I set my mind to." In a way, it became more true because she constantly reinforced it in my mind. I'm very grateful to her for that.
The other day, I called Flight Hub, a travel agency which attempted to scam me. I booked a flight for work and then realized much later that one leg of the trip was booked for the wrong month and wrong day, mysteriously. So I called and talked with the customer service representative, who didn't know what to do, and just told me to pay the $250+ change fees. Then I spoke with the manager and discussed the situation with him. After blatantly refusing to accept his statements that there was nothing he would do for me since it was "my fault", I kept asking. And then suddenly he offered me a full and complete refund. Clearly he didn't mean what he said.
And a couple weeks ago, I requested a meeting with my building's management to discuss the roof hours. The hours were 11am-8:30pm, which is absurdly short, and I told them that the tenants would like them extended. They said the hours won't change. I replied that they didn't understand my request, which was for a meeting to talk about the hours. After the third email, they agreed to a meeting and shortly thereafter changed the hours to 10am-10pm. I've learned that no doesn't actually mean no.
I think of it this way: people don't want to bother giving you want you ask for. But they will if it's easier to give it to you than ignore you. If you think no means no, you will miss out on so many opportunities. They may respond well if you respectfully refuse to accept no as an answer.
There's a common principle in parenting that says parents must be perfectly consistent. If not, children will quickly recognize that their parents don't say what they mean. Sadly, most parents will change their answer if their kids put up a fuss or have a temper tantrum, and the kids learn that fussing can get them whatever they want. Then the parents wonder why their children are so demanding. While my parents were incredibly good at following this principle, I learned that society is not.
You'd be surprised what you can accomplish when the realm of possible envelopes what was formerly the realm of impossibility.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
The cupcake gods are smiling
Around 8:30pm on Sunday, I spotted a bakery in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn. So, naturally, I walked over and opened the door. I saw a lady behind the counter, and our conversation began as follows:
Me: Oh, are you closed?
Her: Yes.
Me: Okay. It looks like a lovely place.
Her: Wait, do you want a free cupcake?
Me: Uh, yes please.
I walk in, and she ducks into the kitchen.
Me: I mean, I'm happy to pay for it.
Her: No, it's for free. But it's chocolate cake and chocolate icing, is that okay?
Me: Haha, yes that's fine. Thank you!
And I walk out with the cupcake. Score!!
Me: Oh, are you closed?
Her: Yes.
Me: Okay. It looks like a lovely place.
Her: Wait, do you want a free cupcake?
Me: Uh, yes please.
I walk in, and she ducks into the kitchen.
Me: I mean, I'm happy to pay for it.
Her: No, it's for free. But it's chocolate cake and chocolate icing, is that okay?
Me: Haha, yes that's fine. Thank you!
And I walk out with the cupcake. Score!!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
If I had an extra day in the week....
When I feel like I have no spare time, the list grows of all the things I want to do. Watch those TED talks I downloaded yesterday; finish the fiction book I'm in the middle of (Portrait of Dorian Gray); text those three friends I left hanging this week; reach out to that contact about the new part-time opportunity he offered me; draft the speech I want to give in July; plan my upcoming vacation to London; continue cleaning my room; write some new thoughts here... the list is ever-growing. But when I have time, I make mediocre progress on those objectives. It's harder to manage time when there's more of it. As much as I would wish for an extra day in the week, it wouldn't be the solution. Time constraints are magic for productivity boosts.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
What Do You Fear Most?
Your greatest fear is that the opposite of what you value most dearly. Whatever you hold deepest within is that which you are most afraid to lose. True or false?
Monday, April 21, 2014
Always Running Out of Time?
Maxim #1: Work expands to the time allotted to it.
Implications: If you set time estimates for tasks and strive to complete the task within the limit, you will maximize your time. We've all experienced the truth of this statement. When you had a college paper due the next day, you wrote more pages in fewer hours than you ever thought possible. Alternatively, when you have a whole day to pack for next week's trip, you watch hours pass and not put anything in your suitcase. When we set reasonable limits for our tasks, we can accomplish much more in a shorter period.
Maxim #2: We always do whatever we want.
Implications: Even though you say you want to exercise, it appears that you'd rather watch a movie or hang out with your friends. Our actions reveal what we desire. If you aren't reaching your goals, you may want to consider whether your actions are reflecting your priorities (in work, relationships, family, etc), and make corrections as necessary. If you think it will all be better if you had more time, don't forget that God holds us responsible for wise stewardship of our time. Be careful what you wish for. You already have 24 hours a day to be faithful with. Are you sure you want more?
Maxim #3: God gives you exactly all the time you need to do His will.
Implications: If you think you don't have enough time to do all that you have to do, then you may be right. First, you must cut out of your to-do list all tasks that are not God's will. Then, you must draw upon the grace and power that God so graciously provides to complete the tasks that are His will. Don't forget to ask God to mercifully remove a task from your plate or to postpone a deadline or to consider who to ask to help you.
Maxim #4: Don't forget to sharpen your tools before you begin.
Implications: You are more efficient during a day sitting at a desk if you take breaks often, eat healthy food, and move/exercise regularly. Keep yourself sharp! Also, for example, when cooking, take a moment to clear the counter of unnecessary junk first. How many times have we spilled or broken things that didn't belong on the counter at all? If you prepare your workplace and sharpen your tools, then you'll make your job easier and save yourself time and frustration. No use crying over spilled milk, but even better to put the milk back in the fridge so it won't be knocked over.
Maxim #5: Why are you doing all this work in the first place?
Implications: First things must come first. If you're running in the rat race and never stopping to reflect, then you'll find yourself in the same place you started, despite having expended incredible energy... going nowhere. At the beginning of your day, dedicate yourself and the tasks of the day to your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and ask for His input and wisdom on the tasks. If you don't ask for His guidance, then how do you expect to be following in His footsteps?
Implications: If you set time estimates for tasks and strive to complete the task within the limit, you will maximize your time. We've all experienced the truth of this statement. When you had a college paper due the next day, you wrote more pages in fewer hours than you ever thought possible. Alternatively, when you have a whole day to pack for next week's trip, you watch hours pass and not put anything in your suitcase. When we set reasonable limits for our tasks, we can accomplish much more in a shorter period.
Maxim #2: We always do whatever we want.
Implications: Even though you say you want to exercise, it appears that you'd rather watch a movie or hang out with your friends. Our actions reveal what we desire. If you aren't reaching your goals, you may want to consider whether your actions are reflecting your priorities (in work, relationships, family, etc), and make corrections as necessary. If you think it will all be better if you had more time, don't forget that God holds us responsible for wise stewardship of our time. Be careful what you wish for. You already have 24 hours a day to be faithful with. Are you sure you want more?
Maxim #3: God gives you exactly all the time you need to do His will.
Implications: If you think you don't have enough time to do all that you have to do, then you may be right. First, you must cut out of your to-do list all tasks that are not God's will. Then, you must draw upon the grace and power that God so graciously provides to complete the tasks that are His will. Don't forget to ask God to mercifully remove a task from your plate or to postpone a deadline or to consider who to ask to help you.
Maxim #4: Don't forget to sharpen your tools before you begin.
Implications: You are more efficient during a day sitting at a desk if you take breaks often, eat healthy food, and move/exercise regularly. Keep yourself sharp! Also, for example, when cooking, take a moment to clear the counter of unnecessary junk first. How many times have we spilled or broken things that didn't belong on the counter at all? If you prepare your workplace and sharpen your tools, then you'll make your job easier and save yourself time and frustration. No use crying over spilled milk, but even better to put the milk back in the fridge so it won't be knocked over.
Maxim #5: Why are you doing all this work in the first place?
Implications: First things must come first. If you're running in the rat race and never stopping to reflect, then you'll find yourself in the same place you started, despite having expended incredible energy... going nowhere. At the beginning of your day, dedicate yourself and the tasks of the day to your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and ask for His input and wisdom on the tasks. If you don't ask for His guidance, then how do you expect to be following in His footsteps?
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Morality of Mankind: Extramarital Affairs
91% of Republicans think extramarital affairs are immoral, while only 78% of Democrats would agree. Independents are in the middle at 86%, according to the Pew Research Center's Spring 2013 Global Attitudes survey. Divorce appears to be far more permissible, as only 37% of Republicans and merely 17% of Democrats think divorce is morally unacceptable.
So then, where do people get their sense of morality from?
So then, where do people get their sense of morality from?
Libertarians laud their policy of "don't harm others" as paramount for society to exist, which is not far from Google's motto, "Don't be evil." Yet extramarital affairs cause great amounts of pain and hurt to the spouse who has been cheated. According to this framework, affairs would be immoral.
People who have a relationship with God or follow religious tenets are among the highest who disapprove of affairs. For example, Christians believe that God created the universe and established principles of behavior that are for the good of society, such as not stealing, coveting, lying, or being unfaithful in marriage.
Maybe these 9%, 22% and 14% of people see no moral problems with affairs because they themselves are in affairs or have been involved in affairs previously. Would they still think there's no moral problem with it if their spouses were the ones in the affairs?
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